I am a lucky man I must admit. Whilst ever bad English is being used in Universities, be it in Asia, South America, Africa or even Europe, I have a chance to earn my living, teach, travel and experience life in fascinating new cultures. That doesn’t mean, however, that the results are always shining examples of literary genius! The little treasures do try though, bless ‘em, and as a light-hearted homage to their valour, I would like to share with you a ‘composite essay’ of imaginary student’s responses which will give you a clearer picture of the coal from which I struggle to produce diamonds. It should of course be read in a Thai accent, but if you can’t manage Thai, try Yoda from Star Wars, or Sean Connery, you know, just for yuks…

Som-Tam is better than Moo-Yor. Discuss. (25points.)

What favourite food you is? I think som-tam is the perfect food of me, and healthy, nutrition and delician too. I always to eat it in everytime. Why you think I do like that? I have three reason are support the idea. Healthy, the nutrition more, and good for Thai social.

The first one are the healthy. Som-Tam are healthy more than the Moo-Yor. It alway have fresh papaya and chilies, and fermented fish too. My mother and my father can to make it and I enjoy to eat it too much. When I am serious I can to eat it and it make me to be funny and not serious. Sure!

The second. The second it is a nutrition. Som-Tam has nutritious more than Moo-Yor. Yes. I think it true. Moreover when we eat Som-Tam we get good nutritious and vitamin from the papaya, but a Moo-Yor not have.

For the thirdly reason is make benefit Thai social. Nowaday Thai social always have Som-Tam which make it very benefit with Thai social in everytime. People can to eat it when they go to anywhere in everytime. For reason in above its believe Som-Tam is health, nutritious and good for Thai social better than Moo-Yor for Thailand people.

Teacher’s Notes:

Thanks Benz, I really enjoyed your work, as did the other teachers, professors and psychiatrists I showed it to. I must say your writing shows a uniqueness of style and simplicity of thought not often seen in someone your age. You deftly weave between the factual and the whimsical with a lightness of touch reminiscent of a drunk avoiding a puddle at midnight. Your warmth and sincerity and your home-spun philosophy lend your musings a Dickensian hearth-like hue without veering into the realms of Machiavellian cynicism or Orwellian nihilism. The way you purposefully penetrated the nuances of the given topic suggests an underlying Wildean flair for precociousness, while at the same time allowing the reader the benefit of peering deeply into the dark catacombs of your innermost soul and perhaps seeing, (in the form of your eternal and undying love of chili-enhanced ground papaya) a reflection of oneself in the collective unconscious.
D+

(Love ‘em really!)