Mark Newman

Your girlfriend Nan......

.....and her words translated

Hi, I'm Nan from Isaan and in a few weeks, I'll (hopefully) be your wife. As we haven't met yet and you're on the internet looking for someone like me, I'd like to give you my real profile...

This is who I actually am and not what I wrote on the dating website or what I said on Skype. Are you ready? OK, here we go...

First off... those photos I sent; they don't actually look anything like me. They were taken a long time ago when I was cute... and even then they were distorted beyond recognition by some of those fantastic filters that come with Instagram. A couple of them aren't even me... I just liked them.

Anyway - my name is May and I'm from the north of Thailand. I have a large family and we're pretty poor. I didn't graduate high school because I was too lazy to study... although, I'll tell you with a straight face that it was because I had to work for my family on the farm. (I've not met a single farang who didn't believe that one!)

I'm twenty-eight years old - even though on my profile it says that I'm twenty-one. I've had nothing but bad luck trying to ensnare, sorry... meet a farang boyfriend when I tell them how old I really am. It's a harmless enough little fib, right?

I started having sex when I was about twelve or thirteen. The boys at school seemed to like me a lot more when I was willing to have sex with them so I just went ahead and did it. I had a baby when I was fifteen and my mom takes care of it most of the time. I think it's a girl but I can check with my mom if you're interested.

Soon after the baby was born, some of my relatives and other men in our village started giving me money and gifts for sex so it turned out to be pretty profitable. They were all married men but we kept it discreet. It was a win-win for everyone.

When I was seventeen I moved to Pattaya. I told my parents the same thing I told you - that I worked as a receptionist in a hotel. Well, that's partly true - but at night, I walked the streets freelancing. I did this for a few years but as I became increasingly out of shape it was harder to get customers, so I went back home.

I'd tell you that I'm looking for true love but that would be a lie. I could have found ‘true love' with a Thai boy years ago. I was a very pretty teenager and could easily have settled down with a nice local lad. Unfortunately for those guys, I wanted expensive toys that they couldn't afford to buy for me.

So, here's where we are today - I'm now looking for a Western man who has money and is willing take care of me, my kid and the rest of my family. I know my best years are long gone, but most of you online marks are pretty gullible so I should be able to work up a bit of the old magic - especially if you're getting on a bit.

In exchange for your cash and my company, I'll also reluctantly give you average and uninspired sex - at least for the first year or so. The sex will dry up eventually as I'll find it increasingly hard to act the part of a loving wife. To be honest, almost everything you will ever do - even the nice, well-intentioned things - will annoy me. My disdain and resentment of you will soon be next to impossible to conceal and you may eventually figure this out so I want to be ready for that if it happens.

Oh, something else... I've had an ‘on-again-off-again' relationship with a boy in my hometown almost my whole life. You know him as Somchai. He's the one sleeping on the couch when you Skype-call me. Yeah, he's not my brother even though I said that he was! Sorry about that. Anyway - when I'm bored and horny I'll go over and spend the night with him. This isn't going to stop just because we get married - although I'll make a reasonable effort to not get caught.

My ongoing infidelity only works one way. If you so much as make eye contact with a girl, I'll cut your f***ing dick off! I'm dangerously unstable when provoked and I'm also insanely jealous. That's not a figure of speech - I really am bonkers! If I think that you aren't channeling your entire life towards me, I'll fly off the handle and my sulks can last for days - so don't piss me off.

Oh, here's a heads up: I'm absolute rubbish at any kind of housework. My mom's always telling me how lazy I am. LOL! She reckons that I should get up before lunchtime and start taking care of my house and my appearance, etc... but that seems like a lot of trouble so I won't be doing any of that.

Actually, after you get here, I won't be doing any kind of work at all. My main focus will be on how I can get more cash from you to buy stuff that I don't need or even really want. I also want to parade you around town so people can see how clever and successful I am.

My family will always be laughing at you. Yeah - that's why they'll always look so happy when we go over and visit. Basically, the stupid fat guy (that's you) is gonna be buying us all dinner and whiskey! But lap up the attention, my love - that's OK with us! Pride, dignity and a moral compass all deserted our family years ago after we were conned out of the land we used to own. But you're here now. Poverty isn't going to be a problem anymore, right?

Oh, and here's something else I should mention... You know that money I keep on asking for when we chat online? Well, I lied when I said it was for my gran's medical expenses. She's actually in great shape! The truth is, my brother (fuckbuddy or whatever) has a dreadful gambling problem so it mostly goes on bailing him out of trouble with loan sharks. I hope you don't mind. It's only money, and more to the point, it's only your money...and (I assume) you've got loads of it.

I know by now that you're thinking that this is all a bit of a cheek and that you are possibly having second thoughts about us. But actually, if you come up with regular cash, don't rock the boat and keep your sexual demands to a minimum, I don't see any reason why this shouldn't work out just fine.

Love, lust, and libido have clouded your judgment so far and with a bit of skill on my part, there's no reason why we can't both string out this charade for a few years at least.

Well, that's it, my love. That's the truth about me and my family. Can't wait to see you.

I love you forever, Nan xxx


enjoyable reading and applies to about 80%

By john, uk (16th August 2018)

Written a great fun story and you have a great sense of humour!!!
I met the 1 in a million girl here in Sydney, she worked 3 jobs in Thailand purchased her first house in early 20"s in thailand owns property and car there.Gave her brother one house.I do not bore you with her goodness and the story goes on....

By brian richards, Live in Sydney but at end of year live in Ban Phe (2nd April 2018)

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