John V

A satirical look at foreign smokers in Thailand

Sun, sea, sand and a cigarette


Up to a year in a Thai monkey house for lighting a cigarette on a public beach? Stand by for breaking headlines.

"Police today arrested a group of western eco-terrorists posing as tourists after following a trail of cigarette butts leading to their hideout among a line of sunbeds. In their possession police found a packet of Marlboro hidden in a see through plastic bag and detonating devices disguised as a box of matches. Under questioning, the suspects admitted they'd bought them under the counter in a 7/11 from an unknown employee."

Survivors gather evidence in the latest eco-attack as nicotine terrorists blew smoke rings and hurled cigarette butts at the victims.

As the smoking ban starts to take effect, there follows a round-up of comments, tips and tricks, plus future predictions from smokers around Thailand.

Tales from Ceegar Butt

I knew it would happen one day. In between the world frying or the new ice age arriving (whichever version you prefer), the writing was on the wall with methane producing cow farts and now followed by no smoking bans on Thai beaches. Apparently the fish are complaining and they've got powerful allies among the ‘equal rights for marine life' justice warriors. I mean ugh, who'd want to eat a fish that's been subjected to second hand smoke?

Good morning Thailand by Nick O'Tine

"Hark m' dear, was that a knock on the door of our humble abode at this hour of the morn'? I must surely go to investigate." Head for the door, cup of tea/coffee in hand, sit down under the sun porch.

Now comes the tricky bit. You've got to get this right. Cup in one hand, lighter in the other and cigarette in your mouth; slurp, light, inhale, cough and repeat. Got that? It's all about synchronization. Get it right n you'll hear a, "will ya quit that smokin' it'll kill ya" noise in the background. Resembling the grating sound of a tooth being extracted but otherwise painless, ignore it and it will soon go away.

Get public support. Tell your Thai neighbours of your past as a real live dragon. Take the smoke in your mouth and swallow instead of inhaling, whilst at the same time exhaling gently from your nose. This will produce twin streams of smoke from your nostrils. Your neighbours will be so awed they'll make you light up another one: "Wow look, the Farang is a real live dragon."

Bask in the praise and smile politely, it'll be the excuse you need for the next one instead of the usual, "for Gods' sake, you've only just put one out!" Its educational you see, just like proving that a floor is slippery when wet, or that a packet of peanuts may contain ... nuts!

A Thai perspective by Somchai BanIt

You've only got one life; why spend it being miserable and complaining that everyone else is:

Smoking, ban it! It smells, but not as bad as durian and does indeed burn a hole in your pocket if that's where you put lighted cigarettes.

Drinking, restrict it! Did you know there is a direct correlation between the amount of alcohol consumed and the quantity of gibberish produced in the human brain? Or is that the other way around?

Dancing, criminalize it! Have you any idea of what a replacement knee surgery costs? Sit on a hill in the lotus position instead and stare for hours at that tree two kilometres away. Take a photo of you doing so before you leave and don't forget to put it on Facebook.

Chillin' with Ashly Tray

Light, inhale, cough and don't worry, the world was here long before you arrived and it'll still be here long after you've gone, including that trail of cigarette butts you've left in memory of your passing.

Remember folks smoking kills, but not as quickly as riding home drunk on your motorcycle, or dying of boredom by putting your head in a bucket of water and taking a deep breath, which after everything else has been banned may be the only thing left that isn't.




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