1. How old are you?
a) Between 22 and 25
b) Between 26 and 45
c) Under 21 or over 45
2. How long have you been in Thailand?
a) Less than a year
b) More than a year
c) I'm doing this quiz in my bedroom - in a village about four miles outside Reykjavik.
3. What does your Thai partner do?
a) Organizes fund-raising events for Save The Children
b) Works in the accounting department of a small Thai company
c) Entertains foreign credit-card holders on private webcam
4. What do you do once a month?
a) Browse the shelves of the Chulalongkorn bookstore to see what the latest ‘Business Writing' textbook has to offer
b) Enjoy a night out with a few other chalkies
c) Head off to the Cambodian border with Jack's Golf tours and hope for yet another 30-day visa
5. Ajarn Somsak approaches you in the corridor and says "Ajarn Peter, I forgot to tell you but there's a sports day tomorrow. I'll see you at 9.00am if that's OK" How do you react?
a) Say "Oh Ajarn Somsak. You're so full of surprises. Is 9.00am early enough? I mean surely you need some help with putting up the marquee"
b) Say "Well, it's rather late in the day and I had made plans but yes, I guess I can make it just this once"
c) Stand there spitting and frothing at the mouth before telling Ajarn Somsak that he must be ‘seriously ‘aving a laugh'. Then walk off shaking your head and mouthing the word ‘idiot'
6. What verb tenses are used in this sentence? I have made many friends since I came to work here.
a) Ah yes, the classic present perfect and simple past combination, linked with a cheeky adverbial conjunction.
b) Present perfect and simple past.
c) Well....er......let me get me glasses on........hang on I know this. That's the past innit? No...any chance of a clue?....Oh damn these glasses.
7. Where is your best shirt at the moment?
a) Hanging up in the wardrobe next to other similarly colored shirts of the same fabric
b) At the laundry
c) I don't do shirts as a rule
8. What is your professional assessment of little Somchai, the most unruly student in your class?
a) What he lacks are motivation and purpose. If I could spend some quality one-on-one time with him, I'm convinced that he would emerge as a true champion
b) I do my best. If he learns something, then that's all well and good.
c) I think he should be thrown into the nearest lake and see if he floats. And if he does - burn him!
9. What would be your immediate reaction to being told about a teachers' meeting?
a) OK, who wants to take on the responsibility of compiling the agenda and taking down the minutes?
b) Can we make this one short and sweet and actually get somewhere this time?
c) Sod that! Last time we had a meeting, they didn't even shell out for a box of munchkins.
10. What do you usually have for breakfast on a working day?
a) A lightly buttered croissant and a hot cappuccino to go.
b) If I have time for breakfast then I'll grab something on the way to the school.
c) Breakfast?! What luxury. I'll usually have the remaining slice of last night's cold pizza, a glass of water and four fags.
11. What are you most likely to be heard saying in a teachers' room?
a) Come on guys! I think we should really be turning these students loose and challenging them when it comes to role-plays
b) Anyone fancy a coffee?
c) Who's forgotten to fill up the bas*ard kettle? Come on, out with it. Jim, stand up a minute, I think you've sat on me necktie.
12. How would you describe your relationship with the foreign academic director?
a) Very professional. We meet at least once a week to discuss ongoing issues and ways to improve the curriculum
b) We talk about teaching issues on a regular basis but we put all that aside in The Londoner on a Friday night.
c) Just once....just once before I leave, I'm going to give that guy a twatting he'll never forget
13. Complete the sentence. Weekends are for.......?
a) Analysing how the previous week's lessons went and thinking about how they could have been better
b) Putting the teaching completely out of your mind until Monday
c) Calling Western Union to see if Mom's sent the money over, making new friends on the Sukhumwit Road, and being supported home in the early hours by your best mate
14. A Binomial is.........
a) A fixed three-word expression usually separated by the word ‘and' such as ‘rant and rave, part and parcel
b) I used to know this but best feel I need to look it up in Swann's Guide to English Grammar Usage.
c) Is it a short person who's into both birds and blokes?
15. What do you say when you enter a classroom?
a) Good morning class. I hope everyone's done their homework.
b) Sawatdee Khap!
c) Shit! Wrong room.
16. What are the last words you say to your partner as you leave the apartment in the morning?
a) See you at about 7.00. I'll pick up Khaw Man Ghai on the way home
b) I might be home a bit late tonight. It's Fiona's birthday and she wants to take us all over to The Irish Leprechaun.
c) Look in me bloody wallet if you don't believe me! Five hundred is all I've got.
17. What are the names of your three teaching colleagues?
a) Ajarn Sebastian, Ajarn Teerasuk and Ajarn Stephanie
b) Mickey, Trevor and Barb (short for Barbara)
c) Dagenham Charlie, Oujanika Bolokov, and the other bloke I've never spoken to.
18. What noises are coming from the apartment next door to yours?
a) The sound of a middle-aged lady playing early 18th century chamber music
b) A single Thai mother berating her naughty son
c) Linkin Park being played at full blast, the unmistakable sound of a bottle being smashed and four Thai guys kicking off
19. What happens when you walk through your apartment reception area?
a) Four smartly-dressed female staff all stand up, waiing like gods, and say "sawatdii kha Khun Andrew" in commendable unison.
b) Your favorite telephone operator flashes you a Hollywood smile
c) The owner of the building peers at you from over his glasses and mouths the word ‘rent'. To which you mouth the words ‘tomorrow, sure'
20. On what occasion do you think a baseball cap worn back-to-front is appropriate attire?
a) I don't possess such an item
b) School sports days might be OK
c) The job interview
21. What was the most important thing you learned from your last teaching job?
a) How to compile challenging exams and tests
b) That the reality of the job was very different to the one offered at the interview
c) The quickest way for teachers to get on to the roof
22. When you look in the mirror, what image stares back at you?
You're an academic director's dream. Loved and loathed in equal measure by your teaching peers, you're the first to speak up during meetings and the first to volunteer when someone is needed to organize a summer camp. Simply put - you live for teaching. The little bags of 'khanom' that appear on your desk courtesy of your Thai teaching colleagues, is just one more reason why you could never imagine yourself doing another job. When you walk into an interview room, you've probably got the position before you've even sat down.
Well done! You don't take the job of teaching (or yourself) too seriously. You turn up on time, you teach your classes well and students really do learn. But you know when to draw the line. You don't mind doing the odd sports day but weekends are for shopping, socializing and leg waxes. You're known in the teacher's room as the guy who'll happily lend someone 500 baht until payday, or the guy who'll always have the short answer to a teasing grammar question. You might even go out for the occasional pint with colleagues but there's a life outside the classroom. You know when to switch off.
Let's be honest - if friends and family knew the state you were in - they'd worry. You've burned your bridges at every 250 baht an hour language school in town and a string of ex-girlfriends are banging on your apartment door at all hours. The rent is two weeks overdue, the emergency money from Mom still hasn't arrived, and you haven't got the funds to get your computer fixed. Basically you've lost contact with the outside world. At least you don't have to worry which shirt goes with which necktie. You've probably only got one of each!