Bangkok Phil

Oh no, not this again

A selection of 'eye rollers'


I haven't seen it yet but apparently there's another story doing the rounds on social media about a group of foreigners behaving inappropriately at a Thai temple. 'Oh no, not this again' I think to myself with an accompanying roll of the eyes. So just for fun - here's a selection of 'eye rollers' for you.   

Farangs acting daft at temples.
Listen, shaking your head while muttering ‘idiots' under your breath is one of the very few advantages of getting old. Long may the younger generation and their brainless, bare-chested, bare-bum antics continue. Idiots!

Farangs missing from islands.
According to the Facebook page that his sister has set up, Chris called home on Sunday to say he was ‘skint but in good spirits' but since then the family has heard nothing. The social media world is then invited to share a photograph of a young man who looks as if he wouldn't know responsibility if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a grand piano singing Hallelujah. I would implore everyone not to worry. Chris'll turn up at the police station alive and well before you can say ‘anyone know where I can get some more of them mushrooms?'

GoFundMe pages to bring a son home.
Sorry, but I never feel an ounce of sympathy for an inexperienced rider daft enough to hire a scooter and take it out on some of the world's most dangerous roads without adequate insurance. But I feel enormous sympathy for Dennis and Beryl back home in Stoke-on-Trent, as they sit in their immaculate semi-detached retirement home, and instead of enjoying their golden years, they are paralyzed with worry and faced with the task of having to raise seventy large to pay their son's hospital bills.

Pattaya balcony jumpers.
Morrissey once said that suicide was admirable and everyone thinks about it - even people who "mistakenly assume they are happy". I totally agree. I always applaud the bravery of anyone who decides to check out early for whatever reason. And you deserve a far better ending than as some pixelated mess surrounded by grinning ghouls and ‘pointers'.

Operation 'Black Butterfly Net' on Soi Nana.
When the authorities make dozens of arrests in some red-light area in the early hours of the morning, there are no prizes for guessing the nationalities. Could this be you? Well, one glance at the cover and colour of your passport is probably all the risk assessment you need.

Pattaya swindlers and dodgy realtors.
How does the saying go? - for every sucker born, there are two people born to take him. Welcome to Pattaya - where often the biggest enemies are your own kind.

Rich people getting away with murder.
I'm not really sure why we even have lawyers other than to make excuses to the judge as to why their client can't make it today.

Hare-brained schemes to turn Bangkok 'green'
Let's hear it for environmentally-friendly green zones in the middle of the central business district with bicycle lanes and quaint wooden trams and wide pedestrianized boulevards lined with shrubs. Oh Bangkok, you're not Copenhagen or Vienna. And really, we don't mind, honestly. We can always get on a plane and go to those places if we want.

Competitions to find Thailand's best travel blogger.
Seriously, in the murky clickbait world of the internet, how many websites are doing this now? And just to clarify, have I got more chance of winning if I can somehow slot in ‘assault on the senses', ‘a myriad of colours' or ‘cosmopolitan melting pot'?

Mass brawls in Pattaya involving shaven-headed, muscular Russian women.
‘Beer in, sense out'. That's what my Dad always says. These air-headed lumps would start a ding-dong in an empty graveyard.

Double-pricing at national parks.
Now, you could stand at the park entrance, pissing your pants and getting all hot under the collar before storming off to write furious letters to The Bangkok Post. Or you could do as smart people do and just not go.

Laws that are brought in and last barely 30 days.
No more riding motorcycles on the footpath. Motorists must now stop at zebra crossings if there are pedestrians waiting to cross. In a country with a population of 69 million people, when 68 million think the law doesn't apply to them, you've got the square root of no chance.

Airport immigration queues.
Expect the worst but be pleasantly surprised if there's a row of immigration officers all looking for something to do. Get to the airport three hours before your flight leaves and make sure your smartphone is fully charged. That two hours spent in a queue that snakes out of the departure terminal and back again will just fly by.

Chiang Mai's 10 best of whatever.
Ten coffee shops where you can nurse a solitary iced latte for three hours without being hassled by the staff? The ten best places for 50 baht foot massages where there is no tip expected? Oh God, someone make it stop!

Taxi driver cheats / assaults passenger.
It's a fair bet that any machete-wielding nutcase can turn up at a rent-a-wreck depot with a crumpled 500-baht note and pay for a 12-hour shift. Taking a taxi in Bangkok is a form of Russian roulette. What else can you say?

Why it's so hard for Western women to date in Thailand.
It's only what I've heard but your average local filly will give you a night of passion you'll never forget and still find the energy in the morning to knock off a big bag of ironing. You can't compete with that.

Plans to solve Bangkok's flooding issues
Gigantic sponges that are air-lifted down on steel cables? Now that sounds like a fantastic idea. At least until the next time it rains.

Footpath vendors being told to sling their hook.
Bangkok wants to be Singapore. The only problem is that none of us want that (especially those of us who have been to Singapore). We like Bangkok as it is. Leave it alone!

Chaotic BTS stations during rush hour.
Hey! I come from a country that grinds to a halt when there's half an inch of snow. What are you moaning about?

A trendy coffee shop opens on Thonglor.
Oh look! Quick! where's me selfie stick! - a refrigerated cabinet with thin slivers of banoffee pie and apple crumble going for half the daily minimum wage. And look at the way they've got the froth on my cappuccino to resemble a fully-grown mountain lion.

A capsized ferry that dumps 30 tourists into the water.
When your captain is wearing an alice band and flip-flops, there's an overpowering stench of diesel fuel, and you only paid 50 baht for a return ticket, well honestly, what did you expect?

Chinese boy takes a shit in the middle of a shopping mall.
No, I don't think Chinese tour groups should be allowed to travel anywhere either. In fact, show me a petition and I'll sign it.

Thai guy holds up a 7-11 / gold shop at gunpoint.
Have you seen this man? Hang on, let me have a look at his photofit. Actually, yes I have. He looks like every single Thai man I know.

Most threads on expat forums.
If Frank's misunderstanding of how his double-entry tourist visa worked has resulted in a 10-year overstay, then I'm sure Frank is big and ugly enough to deal with it without a hundred board members calling him a plonker and asking how he likes his prison food. If Terry from Gravesend wants to put his condo in the name of Pom from Pussy Paradise despite only knowing her a fortnight, then leave him be. ‘Our Terry' and thousands of others like him, are all part of life's rich tapestry. 

The best burger in Bangkok
While you're getting in a right old mess with your USA smokey prime-beef triple-decker house special and most of the contents have either ended up in your lap or on the floor, I'll be in McDonalds if you need me. They do a burger that I can actually manage.

Buddhist holiday booze ban
Calm down. There's no need to stockpile four crates of Super Leo down in the cellar or run naked through the streets of your Isaan town in protest. It's only going to last 24 hours and then you can go straight back to pouring it on your Cornflakes.

Who comes out on top - the Pattaya farang or the Hua Hin farang?
Forget the YouTube videos. In my opinion there's only one way to sort this out - let's take it into the arena! We'll borrow half a dozen tigers from Sri Racha zoo and there'll be chariots, chains and all sorts. With a purple robe and a busy thumb, I'll naturally be watching over the proceedings from the best seat in the house. If I can secure some brewery sponsorship, I could be on to a right winner. Let the games commence!



Comments

'Farangs acting daft at temples'

I don't go inside temples anymore. When the gf and I visit them with her family, I just wait at the nearest coffee shop. Got tired of innocently standing inside while having this feeling that I was maybe standing in the wrong place or looking in the wrong direction. Life's too short for that carry on. I know I'm worm food when I die anyway.

'GoFundMe pages to bring a son home'

Never understood the anger towards lazy people who start GoFund me pages and wanna travel for free. I wouldn't for a second look at one, and I wouldn't for a second think of giving them any money. They wanna do that then crack on. I don't care. None of my business.

'Double-pricing at national parks'

What's the old saying? "If you don't like a place, you're always welcome to leave'. Well the same applies for places that apply double-pricing. I don't have to go in, so I wait outside. Double-pricing wouldn't be so bad but It's usually tenfold. Unfortunately, the same people who say silly things like "you know where the door is" are the same people who'd accuse you of being a negative Nigel for not wanting to pay much, much more than locals. Negative for not wanting to partake in something? Yes, some people really do feel bitter about these radical nonconformists. "I pay and go in so you should too!"

'A capsized ferry that dumps 30 tourists into the water'

You tell a fellow foreigner that you avoid the long haul buses and speed boats etc because you think they're dangerous and not regulated properly and they give you this look of disdain. "Well I use them, ergo, they can't be dangerous!". Whatever, cunty bollox. Again, you do whatever you wanna do. Just mind your own business and leave me alone. I base my safety on pragmatism and not wishful thinking or not wanting to offend.

'Buddhist holiday booze ban'

Ah! Religion guiding us all to be better people. I'd rather see a ban on corruption for the day though. Would be a lot more beneficial to the country.

Phil ,me thinks you hit a nerve with Jack based on your comments on Twitter and Facebook about small and new agencies going down the swanny. But it's true. They really are.






By Dan, Chonburi (14th March 2018)

@Jack

You don't have the right to 'not be offended'. Being offended is your problem. It's like me telling you my back hurts - no one cares.

I love reading 'positive' and 'critical' opinions. If they were always positive, it would be boring and fake. Your posts and ideas are regressive and are scaring people away from posting on here. Grow up.

By Tracy, Nomadicway (13th March 2018)

Seems I struck a nerve, sorry, grumble on and enjoy compiling your next list of complaints.

By Jack, In a nice place (11th March 2018)

Actually Jack, considering you don't know me or have never even met me - how fucking dare you.

By Phil, Samut Prakarn (10th March 2018)

I'm a grumpy, old white man and wot Jack said made me bloody annoyed! I'm definitely gonna let ThaiVisa readers know how I feel about all this.

My favorite:

"...but your average local filly will give you a night of passion you'll never forget and still find the energy in the morning to knock off a big bag of ironing!"

By Mark Newman, A. MUANG (10th March 2018)

Jack, my man. You seem to have a serious selective reading problem.
Here's an article on 31 awesome things about teaching in rural Thailand
https://www.ajarn.com/ajarn-guests/articles/teaching-in-the-sticks

I can post you a load more links to 'positive' articles if you want them because you're clearly incapable of finding them on your own.

By Phil, Samut Prakarn (10th March 2018)

Oh great, yet another list of complaints, just what ajarn.com needed. This time it is a list of complaints mostly about fellow foreigners instead of a list of complaints about Thais or Thai schools. I suspect this thread will be particularly popular with the ajarn regulars. Ajarn.com., a site run by a grumpy old white man for grumpy old white men.

By Jack, At a nice place (10th March 2018)

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