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All you need to know . . . about life with a Thai wife or girlfriend Here are some important points to bear in mind if you're thinking of finding yourself a Thai partner. ( By partner I mean a female who goes out with you not because you pay her to but because she wants to. Lets be honest finding a girl in Thailand is not one of life's most challenging tasks. However, finding a good, honest girlfriend, like mine - who I've been with since Dec '97, can be ) * Most of the accessories, decorations and trinkets in your house will be made of plastic - in bright neon colours. It goes without saying none of them are matching in either style or colour. * You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and noticing which way her lips are pointing.
* Her parents take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "the foreigner" ( in Thai of course ). * The instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart. * Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize. ( Same applied to eating out in groups, mountains of food will be ordered, you’ll stick to the stuff you can recognise - then head off on your own for a Big Mac. ) * You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you "gone out ", if you want to know for where or when she’ll be back or if you can leave a message - forget about it. * Her favorite condiment, other than chili, is called "nam pla" most farangs call it turpentine, in fact it’s fermented fish sauce. * You aren’t allowed to sleep until you’ve hugged her for at least an hour - any attempt to get to sleep before this time has expired will not be tolerated as will any attempt to get her to do anything that involves the use of the word “quickly”. * There are no knives on your dining table. However, there is one multi purpose cleaver in your kitchen draw that’s used for opening coconuts, butchering a chicken and spreading jam. * Your phone bill is all for calls to some remote village upcountry, which last for an average 3 hours per call. ( faced with a choice of using her mobile to make a call or using the '3 baht a call for unlimited time' fixed line - she'll use her mobile because it's more convenient - the other phone is on the other side of the room.) * Prior to your first holiday together, she will pack the entire contents of her wardrobe into 4 giant suitcases and explain that it’s so she has something to wear - you give up trying to explain that your only going to Singapore for two days - not emigrating. * Everything in your house was bought on sale, even if you don't need it. As long as it was a "bargain", that's all that matters - nothing second hand is allowed within 100 metres of the house - no matter how much of a bargain it is. * You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a roast pig. It's the best part ( allegedly ) along with the ears, the meat from the cheeks and the colon. * All the vegetables she buys in the local market look like they were grown at Chernobyl. * Her sister first visited you in Bangkok in 1998, right now you’re wondering when she’ll be returning back home. * Her friends are named Air, Ah, Oh, Ee-ow, Yu, A, and various other vowel sounds. If one of her friends is called ‘ Titiporn' you’re not allowed to laugh. * She's done her best job planning a surprise for you if she doesn’t tell you more than two weeks before the event happens. *Last, but definitely not least, the most important thing to remember is - You pay.
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