Monday after

Disaster strikes as early as Monday morning. I’m in the office of Khun Amarit, my three times a week private student. He wants to cancel his lessons for a fortnight.

“I’m going on a business trip to Rio De Janeiro ” he tells me.

I can barely control my emotions as he delivers this crippling body blow. My bottom lip begins to quiver as I see a potential 8,000 baht disappear before my very eyes.

“Don’t go Khun Amarit. Please don’t go”

“I beg your pardon”

“Please don’t go. Rio ’s crap. It’s over-rated. The girls on the beach positively wobble with cellulite, and homeless kids will pester you at every turn. Take my word for it – Rio sucks. Even that statue of the bloke with his arms out isn’t as impressive as you think when you’re close up”

“But my company are sending me. It’s the annual regional sales conference and I’m the token Thai person”

By now Khun Amarit has walked to the other side of his spacious office to replenish his coffee cup while pulling me along by his trouser leg. I am wailing hysterically.

“What am I going to do! There’s no bloody work out there!”

“It’s only two weeks”

“It’s 8,000 baht” I cry. And then I immediately stop dribbling snot as an idea comes like a bolt from the blue.

“What about your daughter? You always say that you want her to study English”

“But she’s only 6 weeks old”

“ So what! Start ‘em young”

I have an afternoon conversation class, which consists of three male teenagers who should, in all honestly, be taken out into a forest, any forest, and shot painlessly in the back of the head. As you may guess it’s a class I don’t really look forward to.

I decide to lighten things up a little by playing a game called 20 Questions. Briefly, you choose one student to stand in front of the class and they must imagine that they are a famous person. The remaining students ask direct questions such as “Are you male?” or “Are you a movie star?” In theory, the game becomes one big raucous party swing-a-long as the clock counts down and the students fight each other to ask the very last direct question - the one that will reveal the identity of the famous person.

This is how the game goes when you play it with a group of Thai students.

First question. “Are you black?”

“Yes”

“Michael Jackson”

Wow that was quick! says the teacher, trying to desperately inject some kind of enthusiasm into the proceedings but failing dismally. Let’s have another one.

“Are you a movie star?”

“Yes”

“Julia Roberts”

I don’t know one single teacher in the entire f***ing universe who has any success with this game. I think it’s referred to as a ‘lesson filler’ because you end up wanting to actually fill the students in.