The following Saturday

This weekend I've been invited by a group of students to 'do Pattaya'.

There are actually two ways to 'do Pattaya' - the Thai way and the farang way. The farang way involves copious amounts of lager, a simple but comfortable hotel room with a mini-bar and a queen-size bed, the obligatory run-in with a mouthy ladyboy, pie and chips at an establishment known as the Red Lion or the Rovers Return, a stroll along the beach road, the hire of an obscenely large motorcycle, a smile and an offer you can't refuse from a rakish freelancer, and getting legged by a bunch of Thai hoodlums.

The Thai version consists of 2 days in Naklua (which isn't really Pattaya at all), a makeshift bed on the floor of a ludicrously small living room, a guitar, an icebox, a f***ing banana boat, and the opportunity to stick your head in a bowl of noodles five times in the same day.