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The Water Cooler
The worst thing about the water-cooler, apart from having to drink from one
of those cylindrical cones of paper that implode after 2.7 seconds emptying
the contents over your crotch, is that you invariably have to make small
talk with Reg. Reg is always at the water cooler, initiating
conversation with little gems such as "How's your class going?"or
worse still "take a guess at how many pints I had last night. Go on - take a
guess" This is usually followed by a report on the current state of his
underpants. |
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The Water Kettle
No matter what time of day, be it first thing in the morning or last thing
at night (when you're the only person in the building) there is only ever
half an inch of water in the water kettle. And there's that discomforting
whooshing noise isn't there as you realize you're going to get half a cup of coffee out
of it at best. Oh, and ants seem to love water kettles. Don't know why but
they do. |
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The Word Up Board Game
Half the pieces might be missing and the box may be about to crumble to dust
but by jove Missis!, come the last day of term, there's no finer way to
waste a couple of hours than to settle a bunch of students down in front of
that familiar blue board before disappearing to the fire exit for a Benson. |
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Scotch Tape
There are two types of scotch tape in this world of ours - the quality stuff
that your Mom uses to wrap Christmas presents and then the kind that you
find in teachers rooms - the kind that involves taking ten minutes to
locate the end and then all you succeed in doing is taping your fingers
together. |
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The Teachers Room Scissors.
When it's time to cut up small squares with the names of zoo animals on
them, then it's time to locate the teaching room scissors. Even though someone
many moons ago fashioned a paper label with 'Teacher's Room - Do Not Remove'
and affixed it to the item in question (usually a bird) you can never find
the damn things when you most need them. After several days it dawns on you that the receptionist
is using them to trim her split ends. |
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The Pot Plant
All it takes is one friend of humanity and one milk bottle half-filled with
water. That's all it takes to nourish it and give it the gift of life - but no,
it's all
too much to ask. Plenty of people will walk past and say "is no-one going to
water that thing?" but who wants to water plants when there are Bangkok Post
crosswords to be done. |
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The Photocopier
Why is it that when you have exactly five minutes to prepare and photocopy a
lesson sheet, the teacher at the photocopier is xeroxing forty mock TOEFL
tests? And then when he's finally finished, the toner runs out or steam
starts to emerge from the most unlikely outlet. Cue much
shoulder-shrugging from those not claiming responsibility for replenishing
the stocks of toner. |
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The Teachers Room Phone
Basically a useless piece of plastic. You can't dial mobile phone numbers.
In fact, you can't dial any number since the school received an itemized
bill showing that someone called Stockholm at three in the morning. When it
was time to own up, all the staff suddenly developed chronic amnesia. |
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Comedy Mugs
No teachers room is complete without a comedy mug. "I am a virgin - this is
a very old mug'. 'Sex instructor - first lesson free' You get the picture.
Comedy mugs are usually drunk out of by the same teacher who attaches
newspaper clippings to the notice board because one of the characters in a
juicy story has the same name as a member of staff. |
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Marker Pens
Nothing puts a smile on a teacher's face faster than a brand-new marker pen.
That unmistakable whiff of 'newness'. That feeling you get from tearing off
the protective cellophane with your teeth. If only the world was that
perfect.
You usually have a choice of three colored markers - the black one that resembles a
chimney-sweep's brush. The red one that's drier than a Bangkok bar on
election night, and the green one that none of the students can read anyway. |
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Lockers
Lockers are the root of all evil in any teachers room. They offer perfect
excuses for a teacher to hide away the most widely-used textbook in the
staffroom and then bugger off on a fortnight's sick leave. I've seen wars
break out in teachers rooms because Trisha swore she left 200 baht in there
the week before last and is now
scanning the room for the most likely-looking lock-picker.
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The Grill Oven
Once upon a time four teachers clubbed together and ventured excitedly into
the Robinsons electrical department. They carried back the grill oven with thoughts of
piping hot pizza slices and rounds of hot-buttered toast before morning
class. Now the teachers have long since departed and inside that once-happy grill
oven is a layer of grease so thick you could write your name in it.....and a
dead cockroach. |
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Coffee-mate
If your teachers room is an organized, systematic affair, then you probably
have a refillable glass jar with 'Coffee-Mate' written on it. It may
sometimes even get washed under a cascade of warm water each time it gets
refilled.
Or you have the coffee-mate jar that no-one can be bothered to fill
and the jar acts as a sort of 'mother-ship' to all the half-empty foil
packets that no-one can be arsed to tip in. |
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The Ghetto Blaster
The worst thing you can do is send a Thai member of staff out to buy a new
classroom ghetto blaster - because big is never beautiful. You end up with a
double tape-deck with Dolby surround-sound and woofer system for 950 baht,
made by a
Japanese company that you've never heard of. After three weeks, one of the
cassette compartment doors falls off and it eats every tape in sight. |
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The Teachers Room Bookshelf
One day, one of the teachers decided to organize the teachers room bookshelf. Interchanges went on
one shelf, grammar books on another and workbooks on the bottom. The person
probably hummed a little tune as they did it. It doesn't matter. The only
book anyone is interested in is '101 easy-to-use grammar
games', and that's currently in Kevin's locker. Where is Kevin by the way? |
