If you're thinking of coming to teach in Thailand then don't leave home without reading our indispensable guide to cutting a dash in the classroom. How many neckties do I need? Will the pony-tail have to go? From the moment you walk in the room, you'll be turning heads and not stomachs. On no, not all five Spice Girls please!!!!

	Hair Thai students like a teacher with nice hair, and 'nice' usually translates as 'short'. The girls back at university might well have liked fiddling with your pony-tail (among other things) but it's got to go. The only two blokes who can get away with a pony are Steven Seagal and Antonio Banderas. If you're neither of these then lose it. Thai barbers are everywhere you look and for as low as 50 baht you can have the magic clippers whip off your sideburns and wipe out your dignity in the blink of an eye. If you can't face the thought of wearing a hat for three weeks, then 'proper' hairdressing salons and hotel barbers shops charge about 250 baht for a cut and blow dry.
	Shirts Without doubt the make or break item for any teacher. Thai shopping malls and department stores are button-down collar heaven. If you prefer the cut-away or pointed collar styles then you'll have to work to track them down (Central Chidlom is a pretty good starting point). Avoid elaborate cuff designs such as French or monogrammed. They're OK if you're an attaché to the Swiss Embassy but as a teacher you'll just look a prat. You'll want to wake up in the morning, reach out, and put your hands on a gorgeous shirt, so it's important to have at least seven decent ones. In my book you can't beat white - it goes with any necktie - even the awful ones that the students buy you. Remember that colors like navy blue, dark green and orange may look great when you get them home but Thai laundries can do strange things. Stick to the whites and the pastels. Oh, and short-sleeved shirts are the domain of air-line pilots and trainee managers at McDonalds. Leave them to it.
	Neckties Never, ever, ever buy a necktie from a footpath vendor. I won't go into the reasons why, but just don't. It's said that a man can have 50 neckties but there will only be a hardcore of about six that he regularly wears. Yeah, I'll go along with that. So why not furnish yourself with half a dozen quality ties? You'll need to pay about 400-800 baht for something decent. I've found the best value-for-money necktie to be the ones made by the Garbang company - a Thai company worth looking out for.
	Facial Hair Be warned - Thais have an aversion to beards. They really don't like them and I've seen teachers fail job interviews purely on the grounds of their facial furniture. You might get away with a well-trimmed George Micheal goatee or the Craig David boot-strap but if yours wouldn't look out of place on Grizzly Adams and people are beginning to wonder if there's anything nesting in it, then you'd better be one hell of a teacher.
	Belts I bought a leather belt from a branch of Robinsons for about a thousand baht over five years ago, and it's still holding up (the trousers). Don't you dare be tempted to buy off the street and stand there holding your hundred baht while a bored-looking woman punches a few extra holes in. It might say 'real leather' but how many cows have you ever seen that crack and fray before they're barely 12 months old?
	Trousers Thai department store trousers are hideous. If you're of a long-legged farang build, then off-the-peg trousers will fit you like a couple of drainpipes. And they'll be either too long or too short. In the case of them being too long, all department stores will do the alterations for free. It involves a giggly shop assistant telling you she'll be back in twenty minutes, and then three hours later, just as you're about to lose the will to live, she returns and hands you what look like the results of a seven year old's first needlework lesson.  Trousers is definitely one area of clothing where you'd be strongly advised to hit the tailor's shops. Budget for 1000 baht a pair and you'll probably need three pairs to be on the safe side. Go for dark colors like navy blue or dark green. Cream and beige trousers might look very nice but with your hands covered in board marker ink......... Avoid wearing trousers more than three days running. Letting trousers have a day off and 'hang' on the hanger allows them to regain their shape and you'll avoid the 'shiny-arse' syndrome. Black trousers will be covered in the 'out-of-work' waiter section which appears later in this guide.
	Socks Don't make the fatal mistake of not paying attention to your socks. When you're sitting down at your teacher's chair, even though the bored-looking group of corporate students look as if they wouldn't notice if a naked man ran through the room, they are noticing your socks. Comedy socks are naff. Nuff said. Go for thin woolen business socks available in department stores for about 100 baht a pair. Again, street vendors sell socks for as low as about 25 baht a pair, but if your idea of a good time is wearing socks so thin that a clearly defined ankle bone can be seen sticking out from under a trouser leg, then go for it.
	Shoes I take a size nine shoe (bugger knows what that is in a continental size) and I've never had a problem finding good footwear. I have heard though of the 'larger' farang having difficulty, so if you've got plates of meat like a couple of Rhine barges then you might want to bring some shoes with you. Always go for quality with shoes, and look to pay at least 2,000 baht a pair (less if you pick them up in one of the many department store sales) Avoid 'copy shoes' such as the ones sold at Mahboonkrong, where you can pick up a pair of NEXT leather loafers for about a thousand baht, depending on your bargaining skills. Take it from me, the leather will never 'give'. The shoes will hack into your ankle like a machete and you'll be praying that when the end comes, may it come quick. Many schools in their school rules and regulations book will insist that teachers wear 'black dress shoes' but just like 'teachers will get paid on the 14th of every month' it's complete cobblers.
	Jewelry Resist the temptation to cover yourself in Thai gold just because like a Beijing streetwalker it's cheap and it looks yellow. A discreet little gold job on the pinky finger can look quite alluring but chunky necklaces are best left to the transvestites of Lower Sukhumwit
	Bags Nothing will mark you down as an English teacher faster than the bag or holdall that you carry to work. So what if your laptop case doesn't contain a laptop? Me, I'm just waiting for the Tesco's carrier to come back into fashion. Most teachers seem to favor the black canvas holdall with shoulder strap these days but the mistake is in how you carry it. Held with the right hand a la tax inspector looks fine, and even supporting the bag in the palm of your hand (insurance salesman) is acceptable, but don't put it over your shoulder with the strap resting across your chest at a 45 degree angle. You look like a mentally handicapped person on his way to the day center. And if you're standing at the sky-train station with the bag not only worn in such a fashion but stuffed with textbooks and a sheaf of unmarked exam papers, then I suggest you throw yourself in the path of the oncoming train.
	Stink To say that personal hygiene is important to the Thais is like saying George Best was a nice footballer - it flirts dangerously with understatement. If you have smoker's breath, underarm body odor that you can almost chew on or feet that make people's eyes water, then the Thais are going to be the first to tell you. I've seen teachers kick doors and throw punches at walls because a student has told them they smell. The last thing you're going to get from a pre-intermediate student is diplomacy. So suck polo mints, and do whatever it takes to make sure you float into the classroom smelling like a tart's window-box.
	Out-of-work Waiter There are many teachers who think that black trousers and a white shirt is the regulation teacher's attire, not helped by the fact that Joe Cummings of The Lonely Planet even recommends keeping a set of 'black and whites' at the bottom of your backpack. Why not team it with a thin black tie and call yourself Mr Blonde.
	Vests / Undershirts Wearing some sort of undergarment beneath your long-sleeved shirt is a very wise idea. Huge patches of sweat might well have looked good on Charles Bronson after an extended session of tunnel-digging, but the teacher arriving for a lesson dripping in sweat wins admiration from no-one, irrespective of where the taxi or bus broke down and however hot it is outside. Look for the excellent Swan brand of T-shirts and vests, usually sold in Thai markets and by street vendors - 85-100 baht depending on your size. Wearing a thin cotton T-shirt will also save your precious dress shirts from considerable wear and tear.
	After-shave After-shave or men's fragrances are generally a waste of time. Not only does the smell seem to wear off quickly I've found (perhaps something to do with the humidity) but you make yourself even more appealing to mosquitoes (as if they didn't like you enough already) Now that Boots the Chemist is manufacturing toiletries in Thailand, they carry an excellent and affordable range of deodorants and eau de cologne. There's no need to splash out 2,000 baht on a designer aftershave unless you fancy the bird on the cosmetics counter.